A Q "How To"

Today’s lesson is: How to get a sleeping human to pet you.

Step one: Position yourself between the human’s body and hands.

Step two: Snuggle up so they notice you. Purr.

Step three: Lever your nose under one of the human’s hands and lift it upward. This should get a petting motion started. If this is not successful, proceed to step four.

Step four: If needed, gently slide your paw beneath the hand and lift it just high enough to nuzzle your cold nose into the palm. If there is still no result, proceed to step five.

Step five: Roll backward, and continue to purr loudly enough to disturb your human's sleep. Now repeat steps three and four.

With persistence, this method will achieve the desired result.

One word of warning: if at any time you allow your claws to contact the sleeping human, you may find yourself taking an unwanted flight across the room. For your own safety, keep your claws sheathed at all times.

We Remember

To all my Military friends and their families (Jim, Alex, Dirk, Doug, Ray, Kendall, Sean, Brendan, Dad, and all the veterans who shop at "my" store and give me grief (!)...), a heartfelt "thank you".

You've impacted my life and the lives of everyone I know and love, simply by your willingness to serve and defend our lives and liberty. I love you all.

P.S. If any of you active duty people read this post, please let me know you're still ok out there somewhere. Meanwhile, I will keep praying for your safety.

Call me Jack Frost

If I was cranky last time, I am outright annoyed today. The kid here saw a post on youtube about cat yodeling and thought it was hilarious. Guess who she recruited to try it. Take a look, here's the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cxLG2wtE7TM&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Ficanhascheezburger%2Ecom%2Fpage%2F3%2F&feature=player_embedded

Those stupid men should never have made that idiotic how-to video. It’s a definite “Don’t try this at home” meathead idea. I meow for good reasons, like getting what I want. I am NOT a squeaky toy.

I had the last laugh though. Can’t make a cat yodel when he’s nipping at your nose. Who’s yodeling now, kid, hmm?

"Mooooom, is my nose bleeding?"

Gotta run. I'll be back when they're ready to look back on this and laugh...

P.S.

Weatherman says we’re about to have our warmest day in over 8 months. It will be open window weather. That means more barking noise. … note to self, shed FASTER!

Dear Diary

Cranky today. Neighbors got a puppy they leave outside. Sir Barks-A-Lot is disturbing my catnaps.
Mr. Fluffy and I are cooking up a plan to choke the little monster with hairballs. Fortunately, it’s shedding season. More later.

(Cheshire) Cats and Rabbits

When I was very little, my Aunt Anne gifted me with the soundtrack to Disney’s “Alice in Wonderland.” One of my favorite songs on this LP painted a grand vision of the world as I had thought it should be.

“Cats and Rabbits would reside in fancy little houses
And be dressed in shoes and hats and trousers,
In a world of my own.”

The sheer ridiculousness of it still appeals to me. I doubt Q would agree. The loss of machismo brought on by wearing trousers...the thought is just too humiliating! Just now my macho cat is stretched out in the (too tall) grass out back, intently eyeing a grazing rabbit. The rabbit is keeping one eye on me, and seems oblivious to the great orange hunter belly-creeping toward him. I’m waving my arms and yelling, “No, Q!” and “Shoo, bunny!” but neither one is following orders. I can only hope the rabbit moves at warp speed, because I really don’t want to visit the vet today.

While I’m flailing and hollering, I am picturing these two creatures outfitted like Beatrice Potter characters, rolling around brawling in the grass like schoolboys and retreating to tiny thatched-roof cottages. Time for tea with the Mad Hatter.

“There’d be new birds,
Lots of nice and friendly how-de-do birds.
Everyone would own a dozen bluebirds…”

“Hey Q, lunch is here! Blue (bird) plate special. Go get ‘im, boy!” I’m sure Disney didn’t give a moment’s thought to the flying fur and feathers in this fairy-tale world.

Or perhaps he did, and that is the reason for the Cheshire cat’s enigmatic grin? Whereas Q must sneak up on and outrun his prey, Chessie simply knocked on little doors and invited himself to lunch.

I’m thinking even the mighty Q would wear a hat and trousers for a sweet deal like that.

Tripping The Fantastic Light

Hi, this is Q. That last post left me feeling guilty. Me, Machia-who-lee? Forget that garbage, I am just enjoying life. The real manipulator is the one who can make a cat feel guilty.

So here’s the thing. I have so many fascinating things going on in my life, like nightly trysts with the neighbor cat, Kahlua. But I’m not one to kiss and tell, so I’ll keep the good stuff to myself. Just like Frannie does with her version of Kahlua.

I digress. I do have many other fascinating things to share. Today, I offer this to all my feline brothers and sisters who may stumble across this blog. You want to get your maids and butlers to fall for multiple games of cat ding-dong-ditch-it? I promise, it’s hilarious.

Now, you have to pay attention to the time of day the sun shines on the door of your home. I mean the glass paned door the human opens to let you in and out. For me, the sun hits the door directly from sunrise to about 11 am. It is the most beautiful, inviting sight you ever saw.

When I see that beautiful light reflecting off the glass I get so excited! I run up and knock on the door, and if Frannie is not up yet, I rush down the brick ledge to her bedroom window and claw at the screen. She hates this, so she is at the door within seconds. I have to hurry to get into position.

Now, position is not directly at the door. I sit just far enough out and behind it so that I can be seen while still watching the sunlight dance on the door. I sit there, poised and ready for that door to crack open.

There it goes - the door opens, reflected light bounces across the ground and I am after it. Wheeeeee, POUNCE, what fun! Depending on the angle, the light may stop close to the house or clear out in the street. I've learned that when it reaches the street –early in the morning - I only get one shot. But later, oh joy!

I can make Frannie open and close that door over and over until I am all tuckered out. Just thinking about it makes me feel so sleepy and content. You go try it. I need a nap.

You can lead a horse to water, but a cat won't blog

This first post is dedicated to Jeff, whom I have badgered for more posts while not writing a word here. It ain't so easy from this side of the postings! Kudos to you for all your efforts.

I had intended to write a cats-eye-view blog, and still may some days. But Q (my cat), is providing little inspiration for anything other than to feed him, play with him, and change his litter. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Knowing the nature of cats, I am convinced he is deliberately withholding his best jokes and stories to barter for treats somewhere down the line. There are days he can out-cute Shrek's Puss In Boots, but he doesn't really like to have to work that hard. A good story might buy him a whole bag of treats, if he spins it out right. I'll have to wait and see.

So yes, I am a crazy cat lady, and I do believe cats have highly developed IQs which they employ to conspire against all humans. I don't care what the history books say, I am sure cats killed Machiavelli and stole his brain for research into the manipulation of humankind. Or maybe it was the other way around.

In any case, Q makes it clear that my life's purpose is to cater to him. He isn't evil; he just wants what he wants when he wants it. It is entirely natural for me to feel happy granting his every wish. One pathetic whimper paired with two big pleading eyes, and I melt like a Hershey Bar at the beach. (I think it's called a whimper because it makes a wimp of me).

So here I am, a month and some after starting his blog, and this is all I have to show. Aha, but my inspiration has just woken from his nap and wants me to let him outside. Big eyes, whimper. Off he goes to find me a story for the next post!

Hey, a girl can dream.